Sister Wives: "Jealousy is our Kryptonite"

The Learning Channel’s new reality TV hit show "Sister Wives" features the Browns, just your average, all-American, next-door-neighborish, polygamous family.

Wives Meri, Janelle, Christine, and new addition Robyn are intelligent and articulate. Their shared husband Kody has a certain boyish charm, coupled with an earnest desire to please. They are all adults who appear to have freely entered into their lifestyle. Their children, although raised in the polygamous subculture, are allowed to leave it when they grow up. Some of them already have voiced the idea that it will be only one spouse for them when they get married, thank you very much.

It's a sign of the rampant moral relativism in our society today that the producers of a program like this have made the decision to present this particular model polygamous family in such a neutral or even positive way. There's always someone to look after the kids, who seem well-cared-for. Everybody pitches in on chores, and the rambling home is clean. There’s a lot of laughter and joking. No one is ever lonely, although each woman preserves an autonomous territory by having her own apartment where she and her biological children live within the larger house. And the group keeps the sex strictly coupled; no kinky threesomes or foursomes (or moresomes) for them.

Problem is, it is strictly against both our civil law and the moral teachings of the predominant Judeo-Christian religions in the United States, including mainstream (Latter Day Saints) Mormonism. The Browns say they decided to appear on TLC in order to “combat societal prejudices” against polygamous families. But the state of Utah is considering prosecution, although ordinarily authorities hold off unless such families are involved in child abuse or child trafficking. Kody is legally married only to his first wife, but prosecution is still possible for de facto polygamy such as theirs.

But are the Browns typical? It’s impossible to say, because polygamy in this country is marked by secrecy. There is little doubt, however, that there is a significant segment of the polygamous subculture that is light-years removed from the easy banter, give-and-take, and relative freedom of Kody’s wives and children, and is instead marked by authoritarian control by the husband (including violent discipline), isolation from and fear of the outside world, and exploitation of women and children.

Many polygamists in this country were raised in polygamous families, as were two of Kody’s wives. Brown himself, however, is a convert from mainstream Mormonism, as is second wife Janelle, whose non-polygamous LDS Mormon family of origin ostracized her when she entered into marriage with Kody.

Equal nights for each woman on a rotating basis,

equal attention, equal everything...

It is clear from the program that the four “sister wives” have a greater need for female community and companionship than our society generally offers. This, strangely enough, is the biggest draw polygamy seems to hold for these particular women. There’s a big emotional price to pay, but in return they get several highly-vetted and trusted women to take care of their kids whenever needed, to talk to and joke with and share the burdens, joys, and pains of life.

But isn't that what monogamous spouses try to do for each other? Of course. But sometimes it can be difficult for one person to shoulder all of that alone, and our culture has jettisoned many of the old female-to-female stay-at-home-mom supports that were nearly ubiquitous just a few generations ago.

For the man, being married to--and in particular having sex with--an assortment of women might look like great fun, at least from the outside. It satisfies the desire for variety, while staying within the framework of a committed marriage. What's not to like?

But beware, and be careful what you wish for. As husband Kody Brown says, "Jealousy is our Kryptonite.”

The entire enterprise in a non-authoritarian polygamous family such as the Browns rests on the women staying of their own free will, which in turn rests on the man's ability to keep them happy enough while stemming the tides of jealousy that constantly threaten to bring the whole structure down. That goal can only be attained through an arduous effort to achieve the closest thing to perfect equality possible: equal nights for each woman on a rotating basis, equal attention, equal everything, down to the smallest detail.

imagine: not just one woman, but two or three or four,

all clamoring for that much-needed "talk."

For the man even more than for the women, there is no indulging in whims, no playing favorites, no going with one's emotions or desires of the moment. Scheduling is the real king in this household. What's more, the non-authoritarian polygamous husband must have an endless patience for group meetings and for negotiation.

Guys, imagine: not just one woman, but two or three or four, all clamoring for that much-needed "talk." Very few men would be up to that particular task, but Kody is; he has to be. The show features an amusing scene in which he is called to task by one of the wives for showing a teeny bit of favoritism to another, and he apologizes. Then he turns to each wife sequentially (if I'm not mistaken, in the strict order of their entry into the family) and mock-solemnly lays his hand on her knee, intoning "I'm sorry."

Apparently, being Kody Brown means always having to say you're sorry.